Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
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