i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
