At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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