It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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