You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I came so hard my ears popped.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
