I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
