Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
