my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
