not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
