Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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