I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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