Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
