I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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