Your face is a jimmy john
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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