My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
