Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
