I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
A bitchslap is in order.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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