Dude i fell asleep inside of her
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.