He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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