I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
