Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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