You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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