It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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