Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
