I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You smell like stripper and shame
please come you make the beer taste better
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so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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