We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
