It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
