Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
