We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I look better un-naked...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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