my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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