wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
