just tell him i said nine months
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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