There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
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He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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