Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
