My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
