my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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