Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
