Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
