My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
