I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
