We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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