guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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