Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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