My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
