Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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