FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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