Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
