Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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