based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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