I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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