So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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