I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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