if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
