just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
