I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
