When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
