Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
