No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
