WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
