dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
